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HOW TO BE A TARGET
Ah, summer… a time of freedom, sunshine, baseball and Americans making asses of themselves on a grand scale. I’m not talking about the government (their ass-making is a year-round occupation), but instead the average American citizen who hits the vacation road when the weather turns warm. Speaking of warm, you can blame the U.S. all you want for global warming, but when ‘endless summer’ catches on all over the world, you’ll have to wait in line to thank us.
Among the millions of Americans who go on vacation, there are almost tens of them who have passports and who will actually take those vacations outside the country. It is to those brave souls who will be carrying the mantle of our great nation with pride and dignity, that this column is dedicated.
Without further ado (well, just a little further), The Idiot’s Guide to Adventure will present its first annual set of travel tips. These tips will help you get the most American experience out of those trips to beautiful, exotic destinations and Mexico.
Now, you might be thinking, “Phil” – because this is my third column, we’re all friends now – “Phil, if I was smart enough to spend a lot of money on international airfare, aren’t I smart enough to not need your travel tips?” To that I can only humbly respond: no one is too smart for these tips.
Case in point: One fall I found myself rumbling in a puttering Land Rover through the southern African kingdom of Swaziland with two other Americans and a mad, mad German. Swaziland is a beautiful little country that calls itself the “Switzerland of Africa.” For what it’s worth, I didn’t see many of the characteristics that define its European nickname-sake (chocolate, neutrality, paved roads), but I guess it does also start with “Sw.” Oh, and like Switzerland, there are beautiful green mountains… and I suppose ”Switzerland of Africa” has a more inviting ring than “Colombia of Africa.”
Anyway, the four of us were all experienced travelers, but something peculiar happened to us in that tiny chocolate-free kingdom. When the trusty Land Rover broke down for the fourth time, we pushed it into a crowded public square. The prognosis wasn’t good: there was oil splattered all over the tires and throughout the Rover’s undercarriage. This wasn’t a leak; it was a hemorrhage.
Four white guys wearing a Swazi annual salary’s worth of safari attire makes quite an impression. We were soon surrounded by curious onlookers ogling not only the majestic-but-craptastic Land Rover but also the sunburned palefaces who rode in on it. But here’s where even the savviest of travelers can stray from the path. In the middle of the chaotic scene, one member of our intrepid band decides it’s a good idea to pull out his camera. Did I mention that this was one of the most expensive, cutting-edge digital cameras on the market, with a huge freaking zoom lens? I can’t emphasize this enough: the lens was enormous.
A collective “ooh” immediately rippled through the crowd – it was like Beloq holding up the swiped idol in the opening sequence of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Swaziland may be one of the safest countries in Africa (in fact, it is), but the moment still lingers in my mind… so much, in fact, that it may have cost me a few readers who gave up hope of ever seeing those glorious travel tips. That’s okay – we don’t need ‘em anyway. Only an adventurer would ever get this far.
So without further ado (I mean it this time), I present to you, dear adventurer, the top ten travel tips… or as I like to call it:
HOW TO BE A TARGET
1. Carry an American flag somewhere visible on your person. The bigger the flag, the better.
2. Count your money in a poor, crowded place – preferably if you have it in big fat wads.
3. Constantly compare the place you’re in to America. Bitch about how much the food sucks, the weather sucks, the people are rude, etc.
4. Taunt government officials and other authorities. Be a real jerk about this. “This isn’t how we do it in my country.”
5. Remind insubordinate people that you can buy and sell them. This one comes with a caveat, though - with the dollar’s recent devaluation, it doesn’t carry the same patronizing ring it used to.
6. Flaunt provincial American gear and name brands. Gap and the Dallas Cowboys are just a few that come to mind.
7. Eat at McDonald’s as much as possible. Barring the highly unlikely event that none can be found, duck into the nearest Starbucks and compose yourself over a tall latte.
8. Ignore the locals and gravitate toward fellow tourists – especially other Americans. They’ll love it, and you will, too.
9. Buy as much random crap as you can fit into your bag, all the while announcing to anyone who’ll listen how much more expensive the stuff is back in the States.
10. Wave around a big, flashy camera in the aforementioned poor, crowded place.
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Good luck and happy travels. You don’t have to thank me – just sit back and enjoy the endless summer.
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