Since springtime is traditionally a period of death and darkness, it seems like a perfect time to reflect on the dark side of adventuring. In the past few weeks alone, two larger-than-life figures have gone on to the final adventure: Sir Edmund Hillary passed away on January 11, and pilot/explorer/rich man Steve Fossett - who disappeared back in September - was finally declared legally dead on February 15. The passing of these two hardened explorers reminds us that no matter how tough you might be, nobody is too tough to die (Chuck Norris being one possible exception).
Even though an adventurer can decide how to live his life, no man can control how he dies. Because believe me, Elvis probably would like to have that one back. Some adventurers have the good fortune of going out in a noble, dashing and legendary way; others, well, don’t.
So this installment of the Idiot's Guide is devoted to a detailed examination of how some great adventurers met their fateful ends. And by detailed, I mean at least a sentence. We owe them that. I have also devised an ingenious system of evaluating their lives and deaths: on a 1-to-10 scale, 10 is the most epic life/death imaginable, while 1 is... well, totally lame.
One quick item before digging in: this list is intended to celebrate the lives and legacies of these globetrotting ass-kickers. If you think it's bad karma to poke fun at the deaths of famous men, you're right: anyone who laughs at this is guaranteed to die. Eventually.
Please note that in the cases where the exact cause of death is unknown, the most bizarre and extravagant explanation given is accepted here as absolute incontrovertible fact.
Sir Edmund Hillary...The first man to conquer Everest, he also reached the North and South Poles, explored uncharted regions of Antarctica, built schools in the Himalayas and took a boat the length of the Ganges River, all en route to becoming the first living Kiwi to appear on New Zealand currency. Other than that, he was kind of a loser. Just about the only thing mundane about this gentle giant was the way he died: heart failure.
Adventuring life: 9.0
Adventuring death: 2.5
Average score: 5.75
Steve Fossett...He's perhaps most admired and famous for being a hugely successful financial services analyst. He set many world records, including five nonstop circumnavigations of the Earth by balloon, boat and fixed-wing aircraft (and most impressively, he managed to hold it the entire time). His plane vanished over the Nevada desert back in September, and while no remains were ever found, he was declared legally dead a few weeks ago.
Adventuring life: 4.0
Adventuring death: 7.0
Average score: 5.5 (but major bonus points if he comes back alive)
Sir Richard Burton...The ultimate renaissance man, Burton explored vast uncharted regions of the African interior, where he discovered Lake Tanganyika and the source of the Nile. But since sex trumps adventure any day of the week, he is perhaps best known for translating the "Kama Sutra." He died of a heart attack, and following his death a trove of his pornographic, borderline degenerate sex-related writings were discovered.
Adventuring life: 9.0
Adventuring death: 2.5 without the perverted writings, 5.5 with them
Average score: 7.25
Sir Francis Drake...This legendary English seaman explored huge swaths of the Americas for the Crown, and was the scourge of the Spanish Armada. And really, isn't the ultimate goal of any would-be adventurer to be known as the scourge of something? Like so many legends before him, he went out in a blaze of Montezuma's revenge, meeting his end by dysentery.
Adventuring life: 9.0
Adventuring death: 0.5 (Let that sink in: death by violent diarrhea)
Average score: 4.5
Marco Polo...This Venetian trader was the first Westerner to travel the Silk Road and to visit the Great Khan's Mongol Empire. He is perhaps most famous for inspiring a venerable swimming pool game. He is less famous for his death: the man who opened up the Far East to the European imagination, died of old age in his home. Comfortable, yes. Worthy of a hardened adventurer? Not quite.
Adventuring life: 9.5
Adventuring death: 1.5
Average score: 6.5
Ferdinand Magellan...This Portuguese mariner was the first man to circumnavigate the earth, revolutionizing maritime navigation and spice consumption in the process. He was also the first European explorer to enter the Pacific from the Strait of Magellan, which is ironic and convenient. He met his end while fighting in the battle of Mactan in the Philippines. Sure, it's not exactly Gettysburg, but it's better than dying of ravaged intestines, right?
Adventuring life: 9.0
Adventuring death: 8.0
Average score: 8.5
Thor Heyerdahl...The man with the greatest adventurer's name of all time, Thor is best known for the epic Kon-Tiki expedition: he and his pals lashed together a balsa wood raft and sailed primitive-style 4000 miles across the Pacific to the Tuamotu Islands. Credit to the Norwegian for devising a crazy expedition that called for his men to wash up into the waiting arms of bare-breasted Polynesian women. I'll bet he was still replaying that good old time in his head when he died of a brain tumor at age 87.
Adventuring life: 6.5
Adventuring death: 3.0
Average score: 4.75
Sir Peter Blake...This New Zealand yachtsman led the Kiwis to two America's Cup wins, along with capturing the Jules Verne Trophy for tunneling into the earth's molten core (or setting a world sailing record, I don't remember). A devoted environmentalist, he was on an expedition in South America when he was attacked by pirates in the Amazon. Blake fought the pirates using a rifle originally intended to ward off polar bears. Although the rifle was apparently more effective on polar bears than pirates (he was fatally wounded), his heroics saved the life of his other passengers, who were unhurt.
Adventuring life: 4.5
Adventuring death: 8.5
Average score: 6.5
Michael Rockefeller...The youngest son of Nelson Rockefeller, he did what any self-respecting scion of wealth would do: he headed for the deepest, darkest jungle on the planet. He carved out an impressive academic career studying primitive tribes for Harvard University's Peabody Museum of Archaeology. That promising career was cut short when he was eaten by cannibals in Papua New Guinea (which by most accounts is still more pleasurable than trying to earn tenure).
Adventuring life: 4.5
Adventuring death: 25.5 (scale officially shattered)
Average score: N/A
So what's the lesson to be learned from this? I think it's a simple and yet profound one. Franklin Delano Roosevelt may have been discussing the economy when he uttered his most famous line, but I think it applies here: when it comes to living and dying as an adventurer, there truly is nothing to fear but fear itself. Well, that and dying of dysentery. That just sounds awful.
