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THE ADVENTURER'S EIGHT RESOLUTIONS FOR 2008
As far as adventure goes, 2008 has gotten off to a rocky start. First, there was the tragic tiger mauling at the San Francisco Zoo; that story was all the more shocking considering it was a Bay Area controversy featuring an angry, muscular culprit in orange and black that wasn't Barry Bonds. Then the legendary Dakar Rally was canceled due to specific threats by al-Qaeda (although a potential attack could hardly be any more dangerous than those African roads). Election-related unrest has thrown the safari-going hub of Kenya into a state of turmoil, which was stunning considering Nairobi was a peaceful little hamlet before. And of course we're still involved in the one adventure most people don't want any part of: war.
That doesn't mean you're going to spend this year at home, wasting away on the couch. It does mean, however, that you're going to have to do something most hardened adventurers consider passe and lame. No, not take a shower. I'm talking about making some New Year's Resolutions.
What's that? You've already made some? Come on, let's get reasonable for a second. You might lose those pounds temporarily, but rest assured they will come back with a vengeance, and most likely bring their friends. That novel isn't going to write itself, and even if you do manage to finish it, it will probably suck. And not only will you not clean out your garage, it's going to get even more cluttered until it consumes a pet or family member.
So you might as well ditch those pedestrian resolutions and adopt these: the Adventurer's Eight Resolutions for 2008.
1. Get a visa for an exotic country you had never previously planned on visiting. Worst case scenario, you'll have a nifty new addition to your passport. Best case scenario, that stamp casts a weird guilty spell on you, like Poe's Tell-Tale Heart, until you finally snap and book a flight for East Timor.
2. Learn an obscure foreign language. I'm not talking French or Spanish. And no bonus points if it's a mildly unique language that could be useful someday, like Mandarin. No, I mean 2008 is the year you finally master the Bantu "click" dialect.
3. Apply for a cool job in a faraway land. Even though you're an I.T. consultant, you know that sailing instructor gig in Tahiti has been calling your name. Sure, you have no idea how to sail, but that's just a minor detail. Being exposed as a complete fraud in French Polynesia is worth that bulletpoint on your resume.
4. Master the art of swordplay. This one is obvious and self-explanatory. And you've been putting this off for six years now.
5. Begin trading in an obscure stock exchange. Several years ago my buddy Jim alerted me to some incredible money-making opportunities in Pakistan's leading stock exchange. In fact, this index was so successful we dubbed it the 'Karachi Hibachi.' Plus, Pakistan is a really stable country so you can truly make big bucks there. When you're in your gated country estate in Lahore, diving into your silo of rupees like Scrooge McDuck, you'll have me to thank.
6. Eat the same nation's food every meal for a few months. What better way to pretend you're in, say, Mexico than to eat nothing but Mexican food three times a day for the indefinite future? After six weeks of flour tortillas and Dos Equis, you won't be able to tell the difference between Van Nuys and Jalisco. Oh, wait, you already can't. Anyway, if you really want to step it up a notch, do this one without antacid tablets.
7. Work Gore Tex into your regular office wardrobe. I know you think your light blue wrinkle-free Stafford is the epitome of adventure, but it's time to take some risks with your work clothes. Imagine how much more exciting that 3 pm sales meeting will be when you walk in strapped head to toe in bright red North Face Summit Series attire. Those other schmucks on the Henderson Account wearing their Kenneth Cole loafers will hang their heads in shame.
8. Quit your job, give away all your earthly possessions, ditch the rat race and disappear into the wild forever. (Come on, it's not like anyone ever fulfills all their resolutions anyway).
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